Page 61 - KCN 2020

DAWN SANGEETHA LEE

C O N T E N T

I consider myself to be a gifted child. Well, Dawn circa 2010 could be considered a gifted
child. Studies came easy to me and never posed much of a challenge. I never had to expend much
effort to acquire the grades I wanted. I didn’t know my true calling in life, so I spent my time mea-
suring my self worth through the only way I knew how - academia. It gave me a clear-cut set of
numbers to look at and to compare myself with.

It’s a different story now, though. In hindsight, the lack of obstacles in my path made me into a per-
fectionist. It wasn’t very obvious at first. I lost interest in doing the things I usually did but I chalked that up
to a temporary burnout. It happened to everyone, so why would I be exempt?

It’s been a while, though. I still don’t seem to want to do anything. I don’t see anything wrong, though.
It’s completely natural to set a little time aside for some self-care. It’s not like I’d actually benefit from doing
things like studying. Don’t they say that A-students work for C-students? I’m content with what I have now.
It’s a point of pride for me. Lofty aspirations and goals just aren’t my style. What’s wrong with a little self-love?

Most days, when I go to my desk, all I see are unfinished drawings and half-heartedly written
essays, dated a few months ago. There hasn’t been anything new since then. I’m just not feeling right, I
tell myself. I’ll get some inspiration sooner or later, I tell myself. I’ll happen to see something interest-
ing, and that’ll get the creative juices flowing in no time.

Part of me knows that these things don’t happen by chance. I won’t be able to hone my skills by
just thinking about all the wild things in my head that I’ll do when I have time or when I have inspira-
tion. I have to actually create. But I can’t. I have never needed to actually test myself to achieve perfection,
but it seems that I do now. The slightest bit of exertion tires me out. It drains me. Deep down, I know
that what I’ll make won’t live up to the expectations and standards that I set for myself. So I don’t create.
If I never try, I’ll never know. If I don’t know, I don’t need to accept the truth. The truth can be what-
ever I think it is. Right now, I don’t have any concrete truths, so it’s not like I’m denying anything.

(Even if I did, I could just turn a blind eye to them.)

I don’t grow as a person anymore. This period of stagnation has lasted a long time, but I’ve warped
my own perception of it. I don’t thrive, I just exist. I do go through the motions of the daily routine, but
everything seems faded and dull. I do it because it’s expected of me. It’s not as if I know anything else.

I am happy. I have my support system. My friends and family provide joy and meaning to
my life. I have no reason to be frustrated or in distress. I have a roof over my head and food on the
table. I should be thinking about the bright side of things. I don’t have anything to be worried about.
I’m in a good place now. I’m comfortable with who I am, who I’ve become. I should be content.

I am content.
57 58