Page 117 - KCN 2020

I took a deep breath as I looked at the mirror in front of me.

Staring at my reflection, I began the tedious routine of picking at my appearance— noticing that my
eyes were too close to each other, my lips were dry and flaky, my ears were obnoxiously large and I really
needed to lose weight.

I abruptly snapped out of my thoughts when I realized what I was doing. Again, I had judged myself and
again I felt insecure in my own body.

It was painfully frustrating to stop a routine so toxic.

Words from bullies that called me obese or ugly had morphed into me calling myself those very words.
EUNOIA to be skinny.
I wiped away the sweat from my face. Working out was hard, but I was finally doing it to be fit, and not just

Yet when I told myself those words I still had this strong urge to weigh myself, gaze flicking to the weighing
Anselia Pang scale right next to me. Whispers in my head urged me to go on the weighing scale. They tugged at me to look and
see if the numbers went down or not, if I was getting skinnier, knowing that judgement was waiting to tear me apart
if the numbers had not changed.

I thought about all those painful moments when people picked on me, when even my own family had
shamed me for how I looked, feeling tears of distress prick at my eyes. Thoughts swirled in my head, screaming,
‘you were never enough.’ This was getting too much.

As I was on the verge of breaking down, I spotted a fluorescent pink card that I had received years ago.

It was nothing really, but a friend of mine had given it to me as a birthday gift. The card was full of our pic-
tures and a letter, with words written on the back saying, ‘look how beautiful our smiles are here.’

I stared at the word beautiful. It was painfully obvious and made me uncomfortable. But then I shook
it away. It didn’t matter how I looked on the outside, even if my eyes were too small or too large, or if I had a
big unflattering nose. Only my own thoughts mattered.
“Eunoia; well mind, a Beautiful thoughts would shine through your entire face, bringing a sparkle to your eye, making your

beautiful thinking lips tug at a smile and your face glow. It was all about how you thought. Loving myself had been the hardest
and perhaps I was having a difficult time because I was afraid. Afraid that it wouldn’t work; afraid that no one,
including myself, would ever love me back.
” And maybe, just maybe, I was getting a little less afraid of that idea.

My eyes swept across the mirror, now noticing the wrinkles that appeared near my eyes when I smiled,
that shone in my eyes when I laughed, and the dimple that appeared when I grinned.

Then I looked down to the scale again, taking only a single glance before leaving my room, ready to go
out to dinner with my friends.

Maybe I was beautiful after all.
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